Matt's Top 10

If you're like me, then you've sat in the darkened movie theater and watched the trailers. As each one ends, you turn to your friend or whoever you happen to be with, and state whether you'd like to see the movie advertised or not. HOWEVER, if you're like me, then you probably have also been dead wrong about the movie you chose to pay $10 to see, because let's face it, there are a lot of junk movies out there, whose trailers look decent.


If you aren't like me, and haven't experienced this feeling or made a mistake, then I urge you to continue reading. If you read this, you will never have to waste your money on a bad movie.



Without further ado, here are my Top 10 Reasons You Should Avoid a Movie



10. Musicals With Bad Singers
We've all been there. Or maybe you haven't. But if you choose to go see a musical, PLEASE make a special trip to iTunes or YouTube to preview the soundtrack and make sure the singers are good. The last thing you want is to spend $10 hearing Pierce Brosnan croak again.


9. Parents' Think it's Good
Okay here's one i know for a fact you've experienced. Your totally outdated parents told you a movie was good, and it was probably the worst thing you've ever seen. Please do not trust your parent's movies opinions, especially if they think The Pink Panther with Steve Martin and Beyonce was funny.


8. The Movie Involves Talking Animals

Animals were never meant to talk. They were meant to meow, cluck, bark, snort, and moo. So if the movie you're seeing advertised has talking animals, then STAY AWAY. Case in point: Garfield with Bill Murray. I don't think I need any more explanation.


7. The Genre is Romantic Comedy
Before all the girls start tearing me apart for this, let me explain. Romantic comedies, no matter what the "subplot" is, are all the same. Guy finds girl. They fall in love. She catches him cheating. The guy loses everything and realizes he's made a terrible mistake. They reconcile, and live happily ever after. Throw in horribly cheesy acting, and the blandest of humor, and you have a total waste of time we call a Romantic Comedy. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.


6. Videogame Remakes

Really? I shouldn't need to tell you all this, but unfortunately, some of you have made major mistakes. If a movie is based off a videogame, it will absolutely suck. (Anyone remember a movie called DOOM with The Rock? Neither did the box office. But it exists!) See? Videogames are meant to be PLAYED, not WATCHED.




5. TV Remakes

Again, I can't believe I have to tell you these things. I know there are people out there who probably spent money on movies like Bewitched with Will Ferrell, or Miami Vice with jamie Foxx. But trust me. It's the same thing as videogames. TV shows should not be touched. Just look at what they did to the Hulk.



4. Japanese Remake/PG-13 Horror Movies
As if you couldn't already tell by the past 2 remake topics, there are certainly more. Japanese horror remakes, are some of the most unscary pieces of crap you could waste money on. The directors always pick terrible actors/actresses (Jessica Alba? The Eye?) and the PG-13 rating means there's NO BLOOD, NO VIOLENCE, and NO FUN. So please, if it's "Based on the HORRIFYING Japanese movie" and is PG-13, SAY NO.



3. Those Damn "(Insert Genre Here) Movies"
If you haven't seen any of the following parody movies from 2 of the original Scary movie writers, then please make sure you don't. Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! We have HAD it with your crappy parodies! They are NOT funny and a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME. If you're going to make a parody movie then MAKE IT FUNNY. Stop throwing in stupid pop culture references that are from yesteryear (Get over it. Michael Jackson is no longer a headline maker.). Just please for the love of god save yourself and don't fall for the tricks of the trailer.



2. Unnecessary Sequels
Okay. FOR SURE we have all been here before. You see a movie, and fall in love with it. You're ecstatic to hear they're making a sequel. Finally the day comes and you get to the theater, and it's the biggest disappointment since you can remember. Let's face it. Rarely has a sequel ever been half decent. (Yes there are some like The Dark Knight or Spiderman 2. But do we really need The Mummy 3? or Saw 5? I mean, Really?) If you want to see it THAT bad, then wait for the DVD and rent it. Oh, and please don't make sequels just to make more money. ~Cough GEORGE LUCAS' STAR WARS PREQUELS.~



And the number 1 reason to stay away from a movie:



1. Bad Actors
Okay. So if the movie you're seeing has horrific talent, then please don't go. If you support bad actors, then you give studios the right to make more bad movies. (Gigli 2 anyone? J-Lo and Mark Wahlberg? I smell BIG BUCKS!) And yes, any movie with Jennifer Lopez or Mark Wahlberg should be avoided! Wasn't Max Payne bad enough? Don't believe me? Test drive the Gigli trailer yourself. If you want to see it, please seek medical help, and don't ever talk to me again.

I hope you are smart enough now to be able to tell whether or not a movie is worth seeing. But if you don't take my advice, don't say I didn't warn you.

Enjoy...if you dare!